Island

I was thinking about family this holiday season. I love my family and I hope to have one eventually. But why are they so necessary to happiness? I am going to spend Christmas morning serving in a homeless shelter. I could spend it with many people who have offered, but I don’t really want to. I feel closer to my family working at a shelter. When I was young, My parents would go every Saturday morning and we were eventually allowed to join helping cook and serve lunch for hundreds of people. We usually had to pour drinks, but that was fine. Rachel and I switched off at who got to go. Yes, going to a homeless shelter was the ultimate treat on Saturday mornings! But I always enjoyed those times just giving juice to people. I brought them a slight amount of happiness with no emotional commitment. That’s probably why I like acting as well: bringing people a slight amount of happiness without any emotional commitment. Just serving on Christmas makes me think that I should have been serving all year. I know there’s usually not enough time to commit during the school year, but I am going to Draper four times a week for three hour long rehearsals each time. It makes me think about how skewed my priorities are. Maybe it was the many years of therapy, but I have looked for ways to make me happy, not as much other people. This is probably because I now know that I have no control over the emotions of others and cannot make them happy no matter how hard I try. I think this belief has lead me to give up trying to make other people happy. I did try to make my Grandmother as happy as possible, but that was because she was sad and dying. Also she liked me to try to make her happy. But I can still make people happy as long as I remember to not try to validate myself through people’s happiness. I now try to validate myself through theatre, which is not good either. But I will not be able to be with my family until Christmas night, if the weather does not delay my plane flight. And my entire family will not be gathered this Christmas anyway. My Dad is in China working and Mario and Will will not be coming. I wonder if they will ever come to another Christmas?

So why does being with my family make life seem more whole? Is it because I grew up with them and childhood years are supposed to be happy? Is it because they are supposed to love me? No, its because they know me. They know the parts of me I don’t like people to know. They know the secrets behind the open book. They know the bindings and the glue the book was made of, hidden underneath. Also, I know them. It is not exactly safe though having people know you. Sometimes they know you and still do not necessarily understand you. They can hurt you more deeply with this knowledge than anyone else could. But still they are people that belong to us. We have a claim over them, and they have claim over us. It is wonderful belonging to people, but at the same time it is horrible. We want to make them happy and we tie ourselves up with them so there is no disentanglement. But as a part of them we are happier and make them happier. No one, besides sociopaths, can exist alone in the world. So, I guess no man is an island, except for people like the Unabomber, who I’m glad is an island.

Martha

I went to the Christmas Devotional on Sunday with my sister. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to go. I actually wanted to sleep more, but we went. She loves Christmas and everything about Christmas. She loves the decorations, the traditions and the movies. I am not a Scrooge, but I am not nearly as excited about any Holiday as she is. I like the time to relax and be with people, but I never really got as much enjoyment over celebrating Christmas as she did. I probably would have skipped having a tree in the apartment we share, but I don’t think that ever occurred to her. She wouldn’t even let me put up a small fake tree I had. Last week she told me that we had to find a good time to go get a tree. She wouldn’t let me get out of it either. She insisted we go together to get a tree. I think I don’t like celebrating Christmas nearly as much because I am lazier than she is. Or maybe it is because we have different priorities. She values beauty and comfort over things like homework. I am much more obsessive about homework than she is. I like to get things done and accomplish assignments. I usually read books from my reading list for classes before the semester begins. On the other hand, she prepares perfect recipes. She will experiment with baking and spices until she has something perfect. She tastes these small tastes that I often cannot even detect. She likes things to be nicely decorated to her aesthetic taste. I eat food from vending machines and am content with a couch and a computer. I may get better grades, but I’m pretty sure she enjoys life more. People look at us as sisters and think we are almost exactly alike, and the truth is we are very close to opposites. We look similar, talk similarly, tell stories the same way, have a similar sense of humor, but we are very different people. I have more characteristics in common with each of my parents than I have with my sister. But I also get along with her best out of the whole family. We are only nineteen months apart and we are best friends. I was thinking on Sunday as we were going farther and farther the Sacrament meeting time that I am often very similar to Martha, sister of Mary and Lazarus. I am very good at doing things, but I don’t really take time to appreciate the beauty of things. My sister I think is much more like Mary. She loves taking time to appreciate the beauty of life. I wouldn’t have gone to Salt Lake but instead have gone to sleep without her urging me. I would have left the apartment like it was without decorations. I suppose I need to slow down and think about what is more important in life.

Where am I?

No light but up as we stare at the starry blue blue sky
And wonder why we haven’t a care why
Controlling fears still tears fill ears with lies
But for us it is hard to hear over the buzzing of the flies
Only the drably neglected even try
For we live with the wettest leaves that make a sidewalk soft
Wispy wind and rain that we shake and quake aloft
The call of unnameable colors and kindly quiet
But blare the busy frogs in the half light
Shouting ever echoed jumping to the stars
Swearing my allegiance to bright reddish Mars
Song the silence, light, then darkness drips
In piled-up purplish patches of puddles
To jump in and sit until drying they go
Away where all the lilacs jump and scream
Telling the darkest secrets of the world and
All manner of undisclosed dreams
Moving mountains cover careless truths
Daisies dance to the Muses' wild wind
Dancing barefoot on mountains I commune
Earth warm and coolly moist makes my feet
Tingle with the turfy secrets underneath
Or left my hair wallowing without a hope
a care a prayer as breeze whispers in my ears
Grass slowly going speaks of something knowing
Reaching to the diamond heaven's sea

That is where I find my soul
Wandering within and without
Stealing stealthily siren to my senses
Again tonight too late I will not wait

Nature

How many times are we still? How often do we appreciate the small things? I was falling asleep standing up last night and I was trying to keep active so I would stay awake. I needed to be constantly active. I am often like that even when I am not in danger of falling down from exhaustion. I need to be constantly doing something or thinking about something. Zen Buddhism emphasizes staying still and trying to sense the world around us. As college students we put more trust in multi-tasking. We have so little time that is not going to be used in studying or sleeping that there is no time left for stillness. And often when I do have time to just be still without falling asleep, I feel it is wasted time. Yesterday I was walking from campus to my car. The sky was beautiful with a deep, deep cerulean sky and white clouds reflecting gold sun all over the sky. The mountains behind were lit and I was able to see all the rough ground and shrubbery on the mountains. It was the kind of beauty I have never been able to capture fully on film. If I take a picture it always seems to be a pale reflection of what I have seen. I have tried to manipulate the saturation and color levels. I have also made it a high dpi with digital or used a telescopic lens, but nothing ever really helps. I have so little time to really enjoy the beauty and majesty of nature except for walking to campus from where I parked and driving home from work in the morning. It really makes me wonder about the values we have been taught by our society. We learn that we need to work hard to succeed with the result that people are working as hard as they can. Seldom do we have time that we take to just ponder. Even when I am reading my scriptures I seldom leave time to think about what I am reading. Praying for me has become hurried as I have less and less time. I begin to wonder what I am planning after college. Will I be working as hard as I am now and will I ever have the time I want to enjoy the world around me. The last time I went camping I was 14 years old. By the end of high school I was skipping camping and other family trips to work or do school work. This Thanksgiving I worked and I caught up on school work. I just wish that I could go and spend time outside or go hiking. Maybe I will have time this Christmas break before I start getting ahead of my reading for next semester. In this busy world I keep putting simple things aside in order to 'get things done.' I wonder what I will remember more as I get older: what I got done or what I really experienced. Experiences take time and are not always necessary except for our souls and the development of keener insight and understanding.
This world is a creation and is full of beauty. I feel very ungrateful because I don't take the time to appreciate it more fully. The world is alive and as much a part of the creation and the plan of happiness as we are.

Directing

I am directing a short play for a theatre class. I have stage managed, run shows, and been an assistant director, but I have never actually directed a play. The responsibility doesn’t scare me and the fact that we are being graded doesn’t bother me. What is bothering me the most is putting my trust in the actors that are performing. We are performing on Friday and while they are coming along well in rehearsal, I am worried. They all have a tendency to laugh when kissing (yes there is kissing in the play). But we have a preview tomorrow for the TA and then one more rehearsal I will be at before Friday’s performance. Of course this week I also have a final dress rehearsal for the play I am acting in which opens on Friday at Provo Theatre Company. I’m only acting in that so I’m not nearly as worried. I am not the best at trusting people. In High School I would take over and do almost everything in any group projects I was involved in when I did not trust the other people in the group. I didn’t trust many of my classmates in High School. My group projects at BYU have been better since I trust the people more; but I still volunteered to be director of this play. I felt I had the most experience. But now in this project I am going to be giving all the control of it over to the actors. Before yesterday night’s rehearsal, this fact was scaring me. The rehearsal went well, but we didn’t have one of our actresses. I am stressing out just a little. I’m sure they will do the best they can. I hope they don’t screw up. But in the end I will have no control over what they do onstage. The performance is in their hands. I have never put something as important as a final grade in the hands of other people before.

This whole situation reminds me of the fact that Heavenly Father trusts us. I suppose our parents feel similar trepidation at watching their children move away and knowing that they will be nowhere near them if they need help. But Heavenly Father has put the power of agency in our hands. Even more than just agency he has given us the Gospel and with it the power to know where we are and what we are supposed to be doing. He knows that we will screw up, but he still trusts us to figure out what we should be doing. And he has given us the power to right our mistakes through the Atonement. He has put us down here on this vast stage with an outline of a plot and it is up to us to perform our lives. We have help, but in the end everything that really matters to us is in our hands. He helps us with direction, but it is up to us to follow that direction. It is up to each of us to earn that final grade.

I’ve told the actors everything they should do. I’ve told them to memorize lines and cues, project, and pick up the pace. I’ve told them where to go and which ways to turn, but as I watch them slowly improve, they are making each of the characters and the entire play uniquely their own. This would not be the same play without them. This wouldn’t be the same play without any one of the people involved. It is no longer just a play it is our performance. And tomorrow they will perform in front of our TA. I hope they don’t laugh and completely mess up the wonderful performance I’ve seen. I hope the same thing when they perform in front of 100+ people on Friday. But other than hope, pray and remind them again of everything they need to remember before they go on, there is nothing more I can do.

Sleep Deprivation

I was thinking about sleep deprivation over the holiday. Yes, I was thinking about the deprivation I will experience next week as I was catching up for the past few weeks. In the world today it is harder and harder to treat our bodies like temples when we are expected to stretch them to the utmost of their capacity. We are supposed to be studying, reading, working, volunteering and somehow also finding time to take care of our bodies. I have been neglecting caring for my body lately because it does not come at the top of my priority list. But where should caring for our bodies come on our priority list? It can’t come before studying scriptures or praying. I don’t think it should come before school work either. The only other thing I have that fills my schedule is theatre, which is something I am very passionate about. Should taking care of my body come before my passion? Probably, but I still sacrifice sleep as I near an opening night this Friday. And I will be sacrificing more sleep next semester when I stage manage Pirates of Penzance. Of course most of this sleep deprivation is made possible through my job at night. It provides a great time to do homework and reading for classes, but it makes sleeping more than 4 hours at a time a challenge. I have allowed myself to put my passion before sleep. I know I can only do this for so long before my body loses some of its youth and demands more sleep. I suppose I won’t give up theatre because I’m worried I won’t have it for very long. Most married people I know don’t have the time that they had when they were single to commit to theatre. So if I ever get married, I’m worried about giving up something I feel so passionately about. I know of a couple that met in a theatre and continues to be heavily involved in theatre, but that is one couple out of many. I remember the wife having morning sickness and almost being late to dress rehearsals.

We are supposed to find joy in life but at the same time we are supposed to live in moderation. Moderation between what makes me happy and what I know is good for me is a hard choice. I think it is most important that I still pray about my choices and do listen to guidance on my decisions. I haven’t been told to not do theatre, but if I am ever told that I know I will listen. I may sulk but when Heavenly Father tells me what to do, I usually listen. Our bodies are important but our spirits are equally important. The spirit affects the body and without happiness and passion I do not find the same joy in life. I know what truly brings me happiness is the Gospel and the scriptures. At the same time I know what I am passionate about and while it may only give happiness for a short time, it is something I am talented in and something I will try to use for the benefit of people around me. I suppose that is the most I can hope for anything I do.