Thunderstorm

A thunderstorm is coming. It is quiet but the still rumble that shakes my heart is in the distance. After a long weekend with General Conference (Mormon) and the end of a play followed by a long couple of days filled with work, my body and my brain want to jump up into the night and rebel. As a child, I used to go dance in the rain during thunderstorms and if I wasn't allowed out, I would sit by the window of our house in Cincinnati to try to be as close to the wild wind as I could. Sitting between the rustling houseplants, I felt freer than ever before. It is that same freedom I feel when I drive with windows open at more than 100 miles per hour, or jumping off the high diving board, or riding a roller coaster. Everything is lost in the beautiful sensation of power. The rain and wind falling all around produce an euphoria and I want to lose myself in a Mother Nature I have never met. Forgetting the assignments I have, I want to dance around until I am part of the storm.

But I won't. I will sit by the window and read my book. As a child, I wanted to be everything. I wanted to live forever and learn everything there was to know. I wanted to read every book ever written and name every star I'd ever seen. But now, I am only left with remnants of that beautiful embracing wonder I used to have. The tornado warning siren just went off and I remember the first time I saw the movie Twister in the theater. I wanted to go chase tornados and part of me still does. But I grew up. I want so many other things beyond simple sensation. I've experienced pain and illness. I've seen death and it doesn't scare me. It makes me appreciate every feeling I have. When I was a child, I thought I could have everything. I now know that I can't, but what I know was gained through suffering, which is something I didn't believe in as a child. Suffering and agony are what make me want to go dance in the rain and they are why I still sit next to the windows during a storm. Because I now know how precious this pure sensation will always be.